Friday, March 14, 2008

Why, Why, Why




Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?


Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all
right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you dummy!


Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?


How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008





Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?



Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'





Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

















Monday, March 10, 2008

The Oil Change


Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give u p and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
2 1) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on t he floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23 ) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

Tips on Pumping Gas

I checked this out on SNOPES and it is listed as undetermined. Some of this is really common sense, once you think about it. Happy Pumping!



TIPS ON PUMPING GAS

I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in
California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my
line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some
tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon..

Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we
deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and
premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity
of 16,800,000 gallons.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the
ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations
have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground
the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so
buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not
exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and
the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and
other petroleum products plays an important role.

A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But
the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the
pumps.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a
fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three
(3)stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping
on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you
are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are
pumping on the fast rate, some other liquid that goes to your tank
becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the
underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your
money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is
HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have
in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline
evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an
internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the
gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike
service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is
temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact
amount.

Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the
storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely
the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and
you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the
bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS!

WHERE TO BUY USA GAS, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. READ ON

Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it. It
might even be good for us! The Saudis are boycotting American goods.
We should return the favor.

An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS.

Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into
the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't
import their oil from the Saudis.

Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up
the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me,
my family, and my friends.

I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies
are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle
Eastern oil.

These companies import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell........................... 205,742,000 barrels

Chevron/Texaco........ 144,332,000 barrels

Exxon/Mobil.............. 130,082,000 barrels

Marathon/Speedway.. 117,740,000 barrels

Amoco............................62,231,000 barrels

Citgo gas is from South America, from a Dictator who hates Americans.
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18
BILLION! (oil is now $90 - $100 a barrel

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco................0 barrels

Conoco..................0 barrels

Sinclair.................0 barrels

BP/Phillips.............0 barrels

Hess.....................0 barrels

ARC0.....................0 barrels

If you go to Sunoco.com, you will get a list of the station locations
near you.

All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and
each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they
are importing.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas
buyers. It's really simple to do.

Now, don't wimp out at this point.... keep reading and I'll explain
how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it
to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)...and those 300 send it to at
least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and so on, by the time the
message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached
over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!! If those three million get
excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people
will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it .... THREE HUNDRED
MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. How long would
all that take?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

NOTE: This is weird - you have got to try it!
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test'.

Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.


Start:

How much is:

15 + 6


















3 + 56







89 + 2














12 + 53






























75 + 26





























25 + 52






















63 + 32






















I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..


Come on, one more!


















123 + 5























QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!





















Scroll further to the bottom....














A bit more...










You just thought about a red hammer ! didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Thank God I'm FAT!!!!

THANK GOD I'M FAT, THANK GOD I'M FAT, THANK GOD I'M FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You think fat is ugly??? Check this out.










Monday, February 18, 2008

Napkins for Special Occasions

This cracked me up! Tell me you all didn't wonder about these when you were little!!



THE GOOD NAPKINS... ahhhhh... the joys of having Girls...

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar.

I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).


Now fast forward a few months.... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone.

Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter.

Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.


"But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"

Isn't it easier to just tell the truth?! ????????



Life is too short for drama & petty things, so kiss slowly, laugh insanely, Love truly and forgive quickly.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Beautiful Women Month




And all she wants to do is,

dance, dance, dance . . .


Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Well, it is and that means you !!!

I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

and you are one of them !!!

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote

when asked to share her "beauty tips."

It was read at her funeral years later.

For attractive lips , speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes , seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure , share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair , let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise , walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...

People, even more than things, have to be restored,

renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;

never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands ;

one for helping yourself and the other for helping others.

If you share this with another woman,

something good will happen.
You will boost another woman's self esteem,

and she will know that you care about her.


It's BEAUTIFUL Women Month

TAG YOU'RE IT!

Dance On, Sister!!!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

I will Never Complain about My Kids . . .

(THIS HAS BEEN EDITED TO REMOVE THE MOST OFFENSIVE, IF YOU CAN BELIEVE THAT!)

REPEAT AFTER ME-
ONE THOUSAND MORE TIMES THAN SHOWN HERE:

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ..
I will never complain about MY kids again
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...
I will never complain about M Y kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...



I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...

I will never complain about MY kids again .
I will never complain about MY kids again ...

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Just for fun



HEMA is a Dutch department store chain. The first store opened on November 4, 1926, inAmsterdam . Now there are 150 stores all over the Netherlands . HEMA also has stores in Belgium, Luxemburg and Germany . Take a look at HEMA's product page. You can't order anything and it's in Dutch but just wait a couple of seconds and watch what happens...once it starts, just let it go, and don't use your mouse.

Monday, February 4, 2008

News Flash! Best Sleeping Positions

Also in a fwd today, one that is a bit dated but just as relevant as it was when it first made it's rounds:

Subject: ORANGE COUNTY ( CALIFORNIA ) NEWSPAPER

This is a very good letter to the editor. This woman made some good points. For some reason, people have difficulty structuring their arguments when arguing against supporting the currently proposed immigration revisions. This lady made the argument pretty simple. NOT printed in the Orange County Paper...................Newspapers simply won't publish letters to the editor which they either deem politically incorrect (read below) or which does not agree with the philosophy they're pushing on the public. This woman wrote a great letter to the editor that should have been published; but, with your help it will get published via cyberspace

New ImmigrantsFrom: 'David LaBonte'

My wife, Rosemary, wrote a wonderful letter to the editor of the OC Register which, of course, was not printed. So, I decided to 'print' it myself by sending it out on the Internet. Pass it along if you feel so inclined.Dave LaBonte (signed)Written in response to a series of letters to the editor in the Orange County Register:

Dear Editor:

So many letter writers have based their arguments on how this land is made up of immigrants. Ernie Lujan for one, suggests we should tear down the Statue of Liberty because the people now in question aren't being treated the same as those who passed through Ellis Island and other ports of entry.

Maybe we should turn to our history books and point out to people like Mr. Lujan why today's American is not willing to accept this new kind of immigrant any longer.

Back in 1900 when there was a rush from all areas of Europe to come to the United States , people had to get off a ship and stand in a long line in New York and be documented. Some would even get down on their hands and knees and kiss the ground. They made a pledge to uphold the laws and support their new country in good and bad times. They made learning English a primary rule in their new American households and some even changed their names to blend in with their new home.

They had waved good bye to their birth place to give their children a new life and did everything in their power to help their children assimilate into one culture.Nothing was handed to them. No free lunches, no welfare, no labor laws to protect them. All they had were the skills and craftsmanship they had brought with them to trade for a future of prosperity. Most of their children came of age when World War II broke out. My father fought along side men whose parents had come straight over from Germany , Italy , France and Japan . None of these 1st generation Americans ever gave any thought about what country their parents had come from. They were Americans fighting Hitler, Mussolini and the Emperor of Japan. They were defending the United States of America as one people. When we liberated France , no one in those villages were looking for the French-American or the German American or the Irish American. The people of France saw only Americans. And we carried one flag that represented one country. Not one of those immigrant sons would have thought about picking up another country's flag and waving it to represent who they were. It would have been a disgrace to their parents who had sacrificed so much to be here. These immigrants truly knew what it meant to be an American. They stirred the melting pot into one red, white and blue bowl.

And here we are in 2006 with a new kind of immigrant who wants the same rights and privileges. Only they want to achieve it by playing with a different set of rules, one that includes the entitlement card and a guarantee of being faithful to their mother country. I'm sorry, that's not what being an American is all about. I believe that the immigrants who landed on Ellis Island in the early 1900's deserve better than that for all the toil, hard work and sacrifice in raising future generations to create a land that has become a beacon for those legally searching for a better life . I think they would be appalled that they are being used as an example by those waving foreign country flags.

And for that suggestion about taking down the Statue of Liberty, it happens to mean a lot to the citizens who are voting on the immigration bill. I wouldn't start talking about dismantling the United States just yet.

(signed) Rosemary LaBonte

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Friday, February 1, 2008


An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favourite Saturday night TV program. During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife: "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied: "You know, I don't really know -- I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."