You might be a leprechaun if . . .

You might be a Leprechaun if...

* You snicker uncontrollably all through "Darby O'Gill And The Little People."

* Their record collection is stocked only with very short artists -- Paula Abdul, Sheena Easton, Prince, Phil Collins.

* You get jumpy every time friends ask you if you can cover them for lunch.


* When you see a rainbow, you get a greedy little look in your eye. (Arrrr, there's me pot o' gold!)

* In your cupboard -- nothing but Lucky Charms cereal.

* Every time you get your paycheck, you convert it into gold coins and bury it somewhere.

* You insist on dancing a jig on your way to work each morning to the embarrassment of all your friends.

* You've been under a rock for the past few years.

* You just despise fairies. ("Wing Envy" if you ask me!)

* You try to pick up women by saying "Ah, lassie, you have dazzling kneecaps, you do."


* When drunk, you discourse endlessly on shoes, and annoy folks by saying things like "How can ye not know what a grommet is, lad? You're wearing several on yer feet! What are ye, dumb?"

* Around St. Patrick's Day, you stock up on Shamrock Shakes at McDonald's.

* When you say something is "magically delicious," it really is.

And the number one way you can tell
you might be a Leprechaun:

* You're three feet tall, Irish, have red hair, cuss, drink and wear green a lot!

Old Tombstones

True or not, still funny.





Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

******************************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:

Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.


*****************************
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle
in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
The Good Die Young.


******************************
In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

*****************************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:

Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna


******************************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:

Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me
For not rising.


******************************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:

Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.


******************************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:

Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

******************************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:

Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.


******************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
England, cemetery:

Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.


******************************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:

On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.


******************************
Anna Hopewell's grave
in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:

Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.


******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
Massachusetts:

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.


******************************
In a cemetery in England:

Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing
on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went.

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there
is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'Lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?


Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?


Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all
right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you dummy!

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was
in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

Marriage changes passion.
Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?' She hit me.



How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and over fifty for Miss America ?


I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,' now I just 'chunky dunk.'



Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.


Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!



Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?


Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?



Bumper sticker of the year:
'If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier'





Wouldn't you know it....
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

The Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00



Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give u p and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss..
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
2 1) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on t he floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23 ) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!

Tips on Pumping Gas

I checked this out on SNOPES and it is listed as undetermined. Some of this is really common sense, once you think about it. Happy Pumping!



TIPS ON PUMPING GAS

I don't know what you guys are paying for gasoline.... but here in
California we are also paying higher, up to $3.50 per gallon. But my
line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some
tricks to get more of your money's worth for every gallon..

Here at the Kinder Morgan Pipeline where I work in San Jose, CA we
deliver about 4 million gallons in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline
One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and gasoline, regular and
premium grades. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity
of 16,800,000 gallons.

Only buy or fill up your car or truck in the early morning when the
ground temperature is still cold. Remember that all service stations
have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground
the more dense the gasoline, when it gets warmer gasoline expands, so
buying in the afternoon or in the evening....your gallon is not
exactly a gallon. In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and
the temperature of the gasoline, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and
other petroleum products plays an important role.

A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But
the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the
pumps.

When you're filling up do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a
fast mode. If you look you will see that the trigger has three
(3)stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be pumping
on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapors that are created while you
are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapor return. If you are
pumping on the fast rate, some other liquid that goes to your tank
becomes vapor. Those vapors are being sucked up and back into the
underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your
money.

One of the most important tips is to fill up when your gas tank is
HALF FULL or HALF EMPTY. The reason for this is, the more gas you have
in your tank the less air occupying its empty space. Gasoline
evaporates faster than you can imagine. Gasoline storage tanks have an
internal floating roof. This roof serves as zero clearance between the
gas and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation. Unlike
service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is
temperature compensated so that every gallon is actually the exact
amount.

Another reminder, if there is a gasoline truck pumping into the
storage tanks when you stop to buy gas, DO NOT fill up--most likely
the gasoline is being stirred up as the gas is being delivered, and
you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the
bottom. Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS!

WHERE TO BUY USA GAS, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. READ ON

Gas rationing in the 80's worked even though we grumbled about it. It
might even be good for us! The Saudis are boycotting American goods.
We should return the favor.

An interesting thought is to boycott their GAS.

Every time you fill up the car, you can avoid putting more money into
the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just buy from gas companies that don't
import their oil from the Saudis.

Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill-up
the tank, I am sending my money to people who are trying to kill me,
my family, and my friends.

I thought it might be interesting for you to know which oil companies
are the best to buy gas from and which major companies import Middle
Eastern oil.

These companies import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell........................... 205,742,000 barrels

Chevron/Texaco........ 144,332,000 barrels

Exxon/Mobil.............. 130,082,000 barrels

Marathon/Speedway.. 117,740,000 barrels

Amoco............................62,231,000 barrels

Citgo gas is from South America, from a Dictator who hates Americans.
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18
BILLION! (oil is now $90 - $100 a barrel

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:

Sunoco................0 barrels

Conoco..................0 barrels

Sinclair.................0 barrels

BP/Phillips.............0 barrels

Hess.....................0 barrels

ARC0.....................0 barrels

If you go to Sunoco.com, you will get a list of the station locations
near you.

All of this information is available from the Department of Energy and
each is required to state where they get their oil and how much they
are importing.

But to have an impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas
buyers. It's really simple to do.

Now, don't wimp out at this point.... keep reading and I'll explain
how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it
to at least ten more (30 x 10 = 300)...and those 300 send it to at
least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000) .. and so on, by the time the
message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached
over THREE MILLION consumers !!!!!!! If those three million get
excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people
will have been contacted!

If it goes one level further, you guessed it .... THREE HUNDRED
MILLION PEOPLE!!!

Again, all you have to do is send this to 10 people. How long would
all that take?

NOTE: This is weird - you have got to try it!
At the end of this message, you are asked a question.

Answer it immediately. Don't stop and think about it.

Just say the first thing that pops into your mind.

This is a fun 'test'... AND kind of spooky at the same time! Give it a try, then e-mail it around (including back to me) and you'll see how many people you know fall into the same percentage as you. Be sure to put in the subject line if you are among the 98% or the 2%. You'll understand what that means after you finish taking the test'.

Now... just follow the instructions as quickly as possible.

Do not go to the next calculation before you have finished the previous one..

You do not ever need to write or remember the answers, just do it using your mind.

You'll be surprised.

Start:

How much is:

15 + 6


















3 + 56







89 + 2














12 + 53






























75 + 26





























25 + 52






















63 + 32






















I know! Calculations are hard work, but it's nearly over..


Come on, one more!


















123 + 5























QUICK! THINK ABOUT A COLOR AND A TOOL!





















Scroll further to the bottom....














A bit more...










You just thought about a red hammer ! didn't you?



If this is not your answer, you are among 2% of people who have a different, if not abnormal, mind.

98% of the folks would answer a red hammer while doing this exercise.

If you do not believe this, pass it around and you'll see.

The awwww factor